Because I have to grumble and don't feel like doing it in an actually public forum...

When I go out of my way to specify that I'm not intending to be offensive and you aren't the person who I'm talking to, don't make an ass of yourself.
I have a friend from high school choir class. He is a fairly nice young man and tries his best to be friendly. Sadly though, he has one thing that tends to get in the way of my communication with him. Religion.
So he made a post about what he should give up for lent. Now we've talked now and then and he knows that I'm more of a joker than actually trying to make a point. My comment was "Give up belief based holidays?" and right afterward said "^Intended to be a joke, I didn't notice how snarky it sounded until after I had posted it." just to cover my ass and make it clear that I wasn't actually trying to piss him off, just nudge at him a little.
A woman right after me decided to say something along the lines of "I'm glad that he specified he was joking, otherwise I'd be offended." Seriously bitch? First... This is my profile photo ->
Not exactly masculine... Or at least I hope not.
Next, my profile name is Odera Naomi. I understand that "Odera" doesn't seem like a terribly telling name, but "Naomi" is a biblical name. Even with Naomi as a last name (Which is a little ridiculous) If you have *ANY* question about someone's gender, you put a non gender specific pronoun. "They" possibly? Or "That person"? Is this really so difficult?
That being stated, I replied (like a snarky bitch). "He? Seriously? >.> Naomi is a biblical name. I'm offended for the religion you were almost offended about. o.o"
Richard said "This ends now." I replied "Yessir" and for me it was over, although I was sad that I didn't have the chance to ream her a bit (how un-Christian of me). She then replied, trying to defend herself, mentioning that she didn't bother to look at my picture and she was used to Naomi being in the last name spot. I get that, I really do. But he had told us that it was done so it was done. The funniest part is that right afterward another of his friends said "Give up lent for lent" and he ended up deleting the whole thread and re-making it. Part of me is curious about how that's gone so far, but I'm sure someone else will tell him to give up lent for lent and it will piss him off all over again. Religion is a strange and seemingly painful thing... I'm glad that I don't have it... Although it was nice talking to the Mormon boys who came by today ^.~ I'd have made out with one of them... >.>... Does that make me a bad person?
(He even comes right to my door in a suit with another boy ^.~ I didn't think they were supposed to be into that sort of thing... Bad Naomi Bad!!!)

~Naomi Marie

And if I had a star to wish on...

So I feel the need to do a bit of writing. I have a few ideas on what I would like to touch on, namely a blog post I read that left me feeling a little disgusted, a pile of stuffed animals, and my annoyance at badly executed manipulation...
I don't really want to be negative through all of this though, because I'm in an essentially good mood.
So I read a blog on "The Top 100 Reasons Not to Have Kids (and Remain Childfree)". Now I'm one of those odd people who have my biological clock yelling at me but has kept my answer at a firm "No". Not because I'm waiting or because I'm worried about my figure or some other reason, but because I'm selfish and have too high of an expectation for what raising another human being into maturity should be. I've done a bit of childcare with essentially all ages from two week old tiny babies full time for a week and a half straight, to practically adults. It isn't easy by any stretch of the imagination, but a good upbringing and treating the tiny little pink squirming thing you're holding like a tiny human will make it all much easier. This blog was chalk full of "If you don't have a kid, you can still have a social life and be interesting to your friends."
That, while important, really isn't a good reason to make a serious life decision off of. Just like (and I joke about this myself) having a kid for something to dress up in baby clothes is also a bad idea. Most of their reasons had everything to do with an unrealistic view of what child-rearing is. They mentioned "Being disappointed on Mother's or Father's day." or "attending boring children's soccer games and birthday parties" or being "saddled with raising grandchildren because your teen child gets pregnant (or gets someone pregnant)"
Part of me is horribly offended that those are considered reasons for any person to regret another living being, and the other part is happy that the people who feel that way aren't responsible for anyone but themselves. That view on parenthood is nearly as bad as society's view on marriage being a ball and chain or some sort of horrible fate worse than death. I was disgusted more than once while reading the list they had written up, and that's not because of the same points that they had stated in multiple different ways.
I give serious kudos to someone who is willing and able to live a child-free lifestyle when they feel it is right for them. We're overpopulating as it is and the best way to fix it is to start in our own homes (No I don't mean that you should go on a killing spree of your family members). If something crazy happens, or I make a mistake/take a calculated risk and end up carrying a sexually transmitted parasite, then I won't be bitching about the wrinkles I'll be getting faster than my child-free friends. I won't be complaining about spending time and giving my offspring attention. I will be actively loving the human being that I brought into the world and doing all that I can to develop their personality in it's early stages so that they have a chance in what this planet is coming to. Some people's kids...

Stuffed animal pile: I love me some fuzzy snuggle-able stuffed friends. I've learned that every year, the day after Valentines Day, Walmart has a 50% off sale on their holiday items. This means that I can get adorable stuffed animals half off. So both this year and last year I've picked out my favorites and Travis got them for me as a late V Day present. I'm hoping to collect enough that I can make a suitable sized pile to have friends enjoy too... I'm working on it... and I have to say it's a fun journey.

I'm getting tired so manipulation will just be left for another day... I just got a slimy feeling from someone trying to be affectionate online who I haven't given permission to because he feels that it is acceptable.
Bleh...

Next week will be full of cookies and mint and scrambled last minute preparation for what should be a fantastic weekend. Now my uterus needs to work with me as well >.>.. *glares at stomach type area*

~Naomi Marie

Yay mania!

Welcome to Manic Night with Naomi ^.^
So yesterday was Valentines Day. I didn't have anything planned and I was amazingly happy with that arrangement. Eventually Travis and I ended up going to Target to scout out things for making him less indecent when wearing velvet ladies' clothes and a bra so that he was more convincing.
Long story short, we ended up with a bra for both of us (mine is a little small-ish but the ones that aren't are 30-60 dollars that I could buy other things with) and a million pairs of panties for me. So it wasn't a million so much as it was five. But considering my lack of wearing underwear most days, five pairs is pretty awesome.
We ended up picking up pizza, and while we were waiting in the parking lot, I took a picture of him with his new bra stuffed with my underwear. Pleased by my creation, I sent the picture to two of my friends (actually the only two that I know read this blog >.>... ). Well... something about one of their phones made it so when she replied "Sweet bewbs" to me, it also went to friend #2.
I didn't think anything of it and the two of them got very confused at who these odd people talking to them were. I didn't think that the odd person who had texted could have been the same person? I dunno... I didn't think about it...
So they figure it out and I feel silly, punishment pending, I may end up feeling sillier...
Well I don't figure out about this until after I had taken a good two hour long nap with Travis after having all sorts of important conversation with him about needs vs. wants and expectations and things like that. So I've gotten this two hour nap, and I'm not tired anymore... at like 9pm...
So here I am... At nearly four in the morning... Texting a person... Listening to Lonely Island on my sexy party playlist... Wearing hooker-red lipstick and Pac-Man pajamas... I have to be up in around four hours... to do things... and stuff... but I'm still not tired.
I can't find the shirt/dress/shredded piece of fabric that I want for the same weekend I'm getting some sort of purple punishment, which sounds worse than regular punishment when I think of it...
Now I'm trying to decide if staying up and filling myself with caffeine would be a good idea or if I should try and get the sleep that I can... I'm leaning toward all-nighter just to see if I can in these optimal circumstances...
Go Go Gadget Television!!!
~Naomi Marie

How could anyone ever tell you, you were anything less than beautiful?

So around a week ago I lost track of some things. I started relying on people I care for to keep me afloat. My moods started to go downhill and I got more and more vulnerable and eventually something dangerously close to depressed. Just earlier today I was sitting around, half demanding that Travis pay attention to me because I 'needed' it. I knew that I was being unreasonable, I even told him that I was being unreasonable, and he tried so hard to be affectionate. It helped a little. I talked with a boy via text for a few minutes. It helped for a little while. Finally I got fed up with my own moods.
I have this fear of having people help me. Eventually I think that I'll wear on them and start being more work than I'm worth. I *really* don't like being a "downer". I was being one though, and pretty bad.
So eventually I decide that I'm tired of being tired.
I go down into my walk in closet, which doubles as my altar room, and I light some candles that my wonderful Travis got me for Valentines' Day to take to an event I'm looking forward to. I was planning on lighting them on my own to sort of charge them, anyway. So why not now?
So I light some incense (that was also a gift), use that to light the candles and then wait for the full stick of incense to burn out in my own closed little room. I sang to myself a little. I laid down. I thought of loved ones. I poured some of the river water I saved from last September into a wineglass from my priestess class and used it to play the glass like a singing bowl. I did a few of the things I learned in my class to balance myself and things. Somehow at the end of all of this I felt a million times better. I had always chalked my moods up to my bipolar and usually had to experience a sort of endorphin high to kick-start my upward swing. This time though... I did it on my own.
I'm feeling pretty awesome and it kinda seems like it'll last too... If not... There's more candle.
I think it might be early (for me) bedtime...
~Naomi

Reasons why you need to be specific with me:

First reason: I am a morally objectionable pessimistic narcissist.
Do you really need another one?

So it has come to my attention (through a conversation I had a few days ago) that my ideas on what is acceptable and unacceptable are *very* strange when it comes to what I've heard are the "Social Norms".
For instance: I don't consider sleeping in someone's bed with them anything terribly intimate. Now people can find ways to *make* it intimate, but for the most part if there is nothing going on between the two of them along the lines of unrequited love/lust then you aren't breaking any rules. Apparently I need to function on a different level than my own. I need to function on everyone elses' unspoken and unexplained comfort level... because to them, their lines are obvious.

Can I say that I am blind enough times for them to believe it?

I consider remembering someone's name as something unimportant until I've spoken to them one on one more than three times with some depth and know their partner/some of their friends. Even then, it's not needed.
I consider any pictures I have of myself in something I've worn in public in exactly the same way, essentially public access. (And to the dismay of some of my male friends, that isn't all of them.)
I consider my partner lying about having feelings for someone else as a worse offense than having sex with someone I know he has feelings for before he asks for my permission. I consider neither of these an offense worth breaking up with him for, so long as he's taken health precautions.
What in the seven hells makes you think that I'll automatically know what your rules are before you've told me? This is doubled when it's about something I consider completely innocent.
I'm a little touchy with this. I already wrote about Mr.I'm-Not-Going-To-Tell-You-The-Real-Rules, I don't need vague "You should have known" messages... GAHHH!
The worst part is that I'm on fairly good terms with the person who pissed me off with all of this. She didn't do any of these things specifically to piss me off. The only person I can blame for all of this is society I guess...

I come from a world where what I see as worship and devotion is considered base and vulgar by a good percentage of the population. Please don't assume my rules and limits are yours.

I just stopped typing to look at a dirty picture on my phone, and while it made me smile, the picture he took of his face later that day was what made me blush.

Yeah... I'm not normal... but I'm beautiful and amazing and I would do anything for the people I love... If knowing how amazing I can be is narcissism, then I'm perfectly happy being a narcissist...

A beautiful embodied narcissist.
~Naomi Marie

And a song someone sings...

So Travis has gotten himself sick.
I'm learning that it really doesn't take much, but this time I have some lemon juice and honey to help fight it off for him. This is sort of an unusually calm post for me, I think. I just came upstairs from laying down next to him, petting his hair until he drifted off to sleep. I had successfully forgotten how happy it makes me to cradle someone until they drift to sleep. My hormones are doing a number on me again as I remember holding Anthony as a tiny baby and how it felt to fall asleep with him laying on my chest. I was exhausted and hungry and at least a little stressed, but somehow laying there, I was perfectly at peace. Even holding some of the babies I had bonded with less than him I relaxed in a way I didn't really understand. It kills me to be as anti-breeding as I am. I know logically that I'm in no way prepared for the responsibility. I know how much I enjoy the freedom I have in my current life. I know that when everything is said and done, I couldn't have Travis' kid. Not because of a physical problem, although the genetic issues would more than likely come up, but because he's even less ready than I am.
I feel so stupid writing all of this out.
I'm never going to be ready with someone who I feel is ready as well... I know too much about babies to ever think that I'm ready for that responsibility.
Murfle...
I think I should really just go to bed before I rethink this whole post and just close the window instead of posting it. But that's the point of a blog/journal right? To get those silly and crazy thoughts out of my head while I still can...
Someday, I'm going to have someone I don't want to read this find this post and it will bite me in the ass. Until then though, there are maybe three people who know that it exists?
Life was easier when I could solve it with mutilation... that is all...
Naomi Marie...

Emotional

So... I'm a fairly morbid person. My humor, my general mentality, even aspects of my wardrobe are rather morbid. Oddly enough though, I hadn't thought about death much recently (not as it has to do with myself at least). Tonight/this morning though, I've seen a few posts on mortality and friends of friends who have died. It got me thinking about what would happen to the people I care about if I were to just, all of the sudden get in a car crash and not walk away from it. How would they find out? Would they find out? Would it kill them as much as knowing I would no longer see them would kill me emotionally?
I started thinking about the people I have met recently and very quickly come to love. My whole world would stop spinning if I lost them... How could I ever have children if the thought of being away from the people I care about kills me so much already?
My hormones are driving me crazy, and my mind is only making it worse. I keep trying to convince myself that I mean less to people than they tell me I do. As if, somehow, I could prepare myself for the possibility that they really don't care for me that much at all. I find myself fighting my tendency to lie about my level of attachment to people in the same way. At least that I have an explanation for, at least part of, why I do that.
So I was 17. Yeah it's not like that was 10 years ago or anything (only half of that), but I was a different person then. I had just had someone I was (and am still) uselessly and hopelessly in love with break up with me. Even then he used a line like: "I'm not the sort of guy you're looking for" to do it. So long story short, I was in a bit of pain, reeling from it in fact, and this older man came from, essentially, out of nowhere. Granted the reason I really noticed him was because he goaded on my recent ex's very drunk, very low self-esteemed dinner date, but I noticed him all the same. He noticed me back even.
We ended up getting in contact, talked a bit online, and then finally hung out in person. I enjoyed the witty conversation, and we had similar taste in music and entertainment, I was having a good time. We ended up making any excuse we could to spend time together, and because when I make a decision that I'm going somewhere, I go there. Well I went there. I didn't find out until after this that I wasn't actually allowed to "go there" by rules of his ladies. Well I'm 17 and in love and already feeling a little guilty about having broken rules, not to mention completely terrified of his wife and girlfriend. So do I come clean and tell them that I didn't know what I was doing was wrong? Of course not! I have it in my head that I need to show some sort of loyalty to him and not disappoint him. If I tell the truth, I lose what I wanted in the first place. End of story. Well this leads to all sorts of lying and crying and scary situations. Once all is over and done with, I'm 18 years old and the idea of poly means having to hide my emotional and physical involvement with someone I care about in case they're either lying or there's some sort of underlying insecurity there. No hand holding, no public affection, no cuddling, no lingering glances. I became a second class citizen, living in fear of my partner's honesty, or lack thereof.
That's not normal, or healthy, or anything that I've learned actual caring relationships to be. If only I could convince myself.
Really though, I've started to, and I'm not sure how to feel about it.
Sorry that this post hasn't been funny in the least, or really all that entertaining, but I've sort of been needing to get all of that out. I have a lot of things to grow in, but I'm really lucky to have some of the people I do supporting me <3 I'm really lucky...
Naomi Marie