Kept playing love like it was just a game...

So I'm late for updating... again... I think... I haven't really been paying it the attention it deserves anyway.
My mouth tastes like cold pizza... I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Not much has gone on. I'm talking to a boy, again. Like I tend to. It's been a lot more fun than I had expected. He has things to add to conversation, and enough wit to at least keep me entertained. I finally re-found my "Center Space" because someone decided to message me on there (It had been months before). I'm not sure how I feel about talking to them though. I'm sort of busy as it is, and they *really* want for me to think that they're interesting. Granted, they may be interesting people, but they're trying a bit too hard. I wonder if I ever come across like that... It's entirely possible.
I'm onto a book called "Naamah's Kiss" which has me pretty enthralled in its own way. I missed the world that Jacqueline Carey created in the Kushiel's Dart Trilogy and this has definitely been scratching that itch.
Well I've been distracted by the outside world again. Now is time for me to drink some water, read some more, and hopefully keep texting with the pretty boy thing.
Wish me luck ^.~
~Naomi Marie

I might just lose my mind...

So I have again shirked off my duties of writing in this. I could blame it on the fact that my (not exactly) secret blog has been found out by someone. Now It *really* doesn't matter that he found it, I sort of gave him all of the information he needed and it isn't exactly difficult to guess what username I'd have. The reason is more that I've been a mixture of both lazy and busy. It shouldn't be possible but I've managed it somehow.
The common thread in this busy laziness is that I'm growing more and more tired of being around my family. I'm not sure if we'll get the house we're looking at but I *really* hope that we do. All three of us need out something awful.
I've been getting some attention recently. Now I always enjoy the attention. It gives me a smile and a bit of a spring in my step. I just don't know how to go forward with all of it. Generally I'm happy with just flirting and talking and just enjoying the bit of attention I get for the time and carrying on. Only this time, I'm not sure. I want to know more about this person because I've already seen a few masks he wears (he doesn't wear them terribly well >.<) and the glimpses I see seem to add up to an attractive, although unpolished, young man. Trouble is he's not exactly a "young man" at his age. He's technically just supposed to be a man.
Meh... Other than an odd dream and a pretty boy, nothing much has changed though.
Long story short, I need to do some leg work to get/build what I want...
My dreams and a different pretty boy tell me so... Well... I think he's pretty... I think I need more Iced Tea ^.^
~Naomi Marie

Substance can just fuck right off...

Yay for reading new postings in blogs!
I don't have a huge amount to talk about, and have passed my 7 day limit by a day (what a horrible human being!).
I woke up this morning (It was actually morning ^.~ It hadn't hit noon yet) and after a bit of procrastinating and reading of articles I decided to actually pretend that I'm an adult and go upstairs like a day-dweller. The first thing I did was look out the front window to see if my family was home (their SUV tends to go with them places). After seeing that their car wasn't in the driveway I felt a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders and a feeling of relief... that was until it occurred to me that it only takes one of them to drive it. So my mom usually follows my dad around anywhere he goes, so I wasn't too worried. Still the fact that I feel a sense of dread at having to spend time with my mother is sort of a bad sign when Travis and I have no choice but to live with my family until the house he's signing paperwork to take off of the market is actually ours.
So while I started coffee, I started thinking. I've seen some horrible things about having roommates. People not getting along, hatred flying back and fourth, fire and brimstone, friendships crumble to dust. So for the first time in this whole process, I worried about having a wonderful (and disturbingly reasonable) friend of mine as a super long term roommate. So instead of having a panic attack and watching the world crumble around me, I started thinking about WHY I worried about it, and WHO I heard the horror stories from.
Well the WHY is obvious, I have some serious commitment issues. I'll commit to anything really, but when it comes to financial and "official" commitment I shit myself (not literally, I need to eat first for that). I was terrified of getting married, the thought killed me and the concept wasn't easy for me to grasp. I don't think of marriage as much more than a piece of paper, and all but the paper I was fine with. So why was I so afraid of a paper? Because it had a stamp on it >.>... Bah! So this extra fancy stampy paper has money attached and involves someone who I care about as a human being (That's you Holly >.>...) I think I'll survive that part. Now comes the WHO part.
Upon closer inspection, the people who complain about the roommates they've had, usually complain about the sort of people they meet at work, and whoever they happen to be sleeping with at any given point. The friendships I've seen break from it, were usually based on mutual lack of honest communication and their shared immature outlooks on just about everything. A relationship founded purely on cattiness doesn't fare well when the only people you have to be catty at are each other.
Our relationship is based entirely on sex and booze. Those bonds will stand the test of time!
(^I thought it was funny)
~Naomi Marie

The ribbon on my wrist...

Am I tired? Not really...
Am I thirsty? I could do with some water, but still not terribly...
Am I hungry? I could eat, but I'm not really hungry...
I have a peanut butter cookie that's too sweet and the overwhelming urge to take a long shower and forget about everything for a few minutes... Or maybe a bath, I'm not sure...
I'm in that weird phase between excited about tomorrow and knowing that it's too early for me to get all-overexcited about things. I still have a tent to roll, but I know where it's at... My costume is ready although not packed... and the blanket tote is full of blankets, but I should really re-fold them. Through all of this all I want to do is burn some energy and I don't know how.
I want snuggles o.o

~Naomi Marie

That is all...

I want someone provocative and talkative...

It's about time for me to make another post. Life has been odd recently. Not bad by any stretch, but just odd. I've been doing some preparation for a party coming up this weekend. I've got a costume for Envy all planned out and only have hemming of my dress and rolling of a tent to do before I'm ready with my pre-prep stuff.
I've been in a weird emotional place, though. My moods have gone quickly from excited and confident, to insecure and ready to cry and back again with something as simple as looking too closely in a mirror or not getting enough of a reaction from the newest thing I tried.
I think I blame not getting the same amount of attention that I've gotten spoiled on recently. It could easily be my odd dreams as well, or diet, or water intake. The possibilities are endless (at least I don't have to worry about babies on that list).
I sort of prepared myself for a long drawn out post... but I think I'm actually a little tired o.o Weird!
I wonder how much longer I'll last.
Tea Time~
~Naomi Marie

Sicky sicky...

So wow... Life has been fun recently....
Got to go to an event I've been looking forward to for a while now and see a burlesque performance done by a friend of mine ^.^ It was totally worth the million times that I helped put parts of the costume back on so they could be taken off over and over again... So it wasn't exactly a million... It was closer to 10-ish... but a million sounds SO much more interesting...
Like clockwork, once I got home from a fantastic trip around people I'm both intellectually and physically attracted to, I had a friend-ish person whine and guilt me into visiting with them. (This time he had help from someone I've actually been wanting to visit though so it was even more difficult to say no). I was tired and knew that I should spend the time right after I got home sleeping and reflecting and doing all sorts of other balancing acts that I do after copious amounts of social time. But no, I do the 'nice' thing and drive down to see them. It was nice having girly time with female friend and showing off my, frankly, unreasonable amount of pictures. The person who insists I visit again the moment I leave (every time right after I leave), sat on his laptop and didn't add much to the conversation. I understand that we were partially talking about clothing and makeup and things, but I tried to have a conversation before I went to see her in the back room (where she was hiding because of her migraine). Again, like clockwork, he complained and then talked about wiring before complaining some more. I don't know if he's capable of being positive for more than 5 minutes when it doesn't involve him trying to get me to sleep with him. It's repulsive. If I didn't see some sort of potential in him as a human being I wouldn't put up with it, and I know that I really shouldn't anyway. Why am I such a pushover?
All of this annoyance eventually led to me driving home at around 3am (which isn't usually late for me, but it was after not being able to unwind from a busy weekend) and finally crawling into bed. It's no surprise that when I woke up the next morning it was like a truck hit me.
And thus ends the negative part of this blog ^.~
So I wake up sick, and hydrate, like you're supposed to as a sick person. Travis got me some licorice tea and some food type stuff that I can cook easily because the house is mostly devoid of food-stuffs. Yesterday went even better when I got all sorts of friendly texts from the people I care about the most and got to see some pictures from a photoshoot done to show-case some synthetic dreadlocks that another friend of mine makes. I was only really impressed with two of them, but the two I was impressed with turned out AMAZINGLY. Or at least I think so ^.~
I got to hear from one of the men I secretly really care about even. So it's not really a secret. It's more of an, "I won't actually admit it out loud". I've been missing him. He's a refreshing change from some of the things I deal with on a daily basis, and the lack of complications makes it even nicer. Loving more than one is a difficult sort of life sometimes. o.o It means you're usually missing someone at any given point. Although the idea of having the men I care for most in the same room is sort of an odd thought. Two at a time is acceptable... but any more than that starts to make my brain try and turn inside out.
So I'm trying to think of ways to make a costume to show the deadly sin "Envy". The color scheme would be green, of course, but I'm thinking of ways to bring out the fact that my eyes are green as well. I have a green dress floating around somewhere too, I just need to find it... I was thinking overall a green costume with red accents. We'll see how it goes... If I had the money for synthetic hair I'd consider making myself a few dreads to tie into my hair, but that would be something to ask my sweetie about.
What a world what a world...
~Naomi Marie

Because I have to grumble and don't feel like doing it in an actually public forum...

When I go out of my way to specify that I'm not intending to be offensive and you aren't the person who I'm talking to, don't make an ass of yourself.
I have a friend from high school choir class. He is a fairly nice young man and tries his best to be friendly. Sadly though, he has one thing that tends to get in the way of my communication with him. Religion.
So he made a post about what he should give up for lent. Now we've talked now and then and he knows that I'm more of a joker than actually trying to make a point. My comment was "Give up belief based holidays?" and right afterward said "^Intended to be a joke, I didn't notice how snarky it sounded until after I had posted it." just to cover my ass and make it clear that I wasn't actually trying to piss him off, just nudge at him a little.
A woman right after me decided to say something along the lines of "I'm glad that he specified he was joking, otherwise I'd be offended." Seriously bitch? First... This is my profile photo ->
Not exactly masculine... Or at least I hope not.
Next, my profile name is Odera Naomi. I understand that "Odera" doesn't seem like a terribly telling name, but "Naomi" is a biblical name. Even with Naomi as a last name (Which is a little ridiculous) If you have *ANY* question about someone's gender, you put a non gender specific pronoun. "They" possibly? Or "That person"? Is this really so difficult?
That being stated, I replied (like a snarky bitch). "He? Seriously? >.> Naomi is a biblical name. I'm offended for the religion you were almost offended about. o.o"
Richard said "This ends now." I replied "Yessir" and for me it was over, although I was sad that I didn't have the chance to ream her a bit (how un-Christian of me). She then replied, trying to defend herself, mentioning that she didn't bother to look at my picture and she was used to Naomi being in the last name spot. I get that, I really do. But he had told us that it was done so it was done. The funniest part is that right afterward another of his friends said "Give up lent for lent" and he ended up deleting the whole thread and re-making it. Part of me is curious about how that's gone so far, but I'm sure someone else will tell him to give up lent for lent and it will piss him off all over again. Religion is a strange and seemingly painful thing... I'm glad that I don't have it... Although it was nice talking to the Mormon boys who came by today ^.~ I'd have made out with one of them... >.>... Does that make me a bad person?
(He even comes right to my door in a suit with another boy ^.~ I didn't think they were supposed to be into that sort of thing... Bad Naomi Bad!!!)

~Naomi Marie

And if I had a star to wish on...

So I feel the need to do a bit of writing. I have a few ideas on what I would like to touch on, namely a blog post I read that left me feeling a little disgusted, a pile of stuffed animals, and my annoyance at badly executed manipulation...
I don't really want to be negative through all of this though, because I'm in an essentially good mood.
So I read a blog on "The Top 100 Reasons Not to Have Kids (and Remain Childfree)". Now I'm one of those odd people who have my biological clock yelling at me but has kept my answer at a firm "No". Not because I'm waiting or because I'm worried about my figure or some other reason, but because I'm selfish and have too high of an expectation for what raising another human being into maturity should be. I've done a bit of childcare with essentially all ages from two week old tiny babies full time for a week and a half straight, to practically adults. It isn't easy by any stretch of the imagination, but a good upbringing and treating the tiny little pink squirming thing you're holding like a tiny human will make it all much easier. This blog was chalk full of "If you don't have a kid, you can still have a social life and be interesting to your friends."
That, while important, really isn't a good reason to make a serious life decision off of. Just like (and I joke about this myself) having a kid for something to dress up in baby clothes is also a bad idea. Most of their reasons had everything to do with an unrealistic view of what child-rearing is. They mentioned "Being disappointed on Mother's or Father's day." or "attending boring children's soccer games and birthday parties" or being "saddled with raising grandchildren because your teen child gets pregnant (or gets someone pregnant)"
Part of me is horribly offended that those are considered reasons for any person to regret another living being, and the other part is happy that the people who feel that way aren't responsible for anyone but themselves. That view on parenthood is nearly as bad as society's view on marriage being a ball and chain or some sort of horrible fate worse than death. I was disgusted more than once while reading the list they had written up, and that's not because of the same points that they had stated in multiple different ways.
I give serious kudos to someone who is willing and able to live a child-free lifestyle when they feel it is right for them. We're overpopulating as it is and the best way to fix it is to start in our own homes (No I don't mean that you should go on a killing spree of your family members). If something crazy happens, or I make a mistake/take a calculated risk and end up carrying a sexually transmitted parasite, then I won't be bitching about the wrinkles I'll be getting faster than my child-free friends. I won't be complaining about spending time and giving my offspring attention. I will be actively loving the human being that I brought into the world and doing all that I can to develop their personality in it's early stages so that they have a chance in what this planet is coming to. Some people's kids...

Stuffed animal pile: I love me some fuzzy snuggle-able stuffed friends. I've learned that every year, the day after Valentines Day, Walmart has a 50% off sale on their holiday items. This means that I can get adorable stuffed animals half off. So both this year and last year I've picked out my favorites and Travis got them for me as a late V Day present. I'm hoping to collect enough that I can make a suitable sized pile to have friends enjoy too... I'm working on it... and I have to say it's a fun journey.

I'm getting tired so manipulation will just be left for another day... I just got a slimy feeling from someone trying to be affectionate online who I haven't given permission to because he feels that it is acceptable.
Bleh...

Next week will be full of cookies and mint and scrambled last minute preparation for what should be a fantastic weekend. Now my uterus needs to work with me as well >.>.. *glares at stomach type area*

~Naomi Marie

Yay mania!

Welcome to Manic Night with Naomi ^.^
So yesterday was Valentines Day. I didn't have anything planned and I was amazingly happy with that arrangement. Eventually Travis and I ended up going to Target to scout out things for making him less indecent when wearing velvet ladies' clothes and a bra so that he was more convincing.
Long story short, we ended up with a bra for both of us (mine is a little small-ish but the ones that aren't are 30-60 dollars that I could buy other things with) and a million pairs of panties for me. So it wasn't a million so much as it was five. But considering my lack of wearing underwear most days, five pairs is pretty awesome.
We ended up picking up pizza, and while we were waiting in the parking lot, I took a picture of him with his new bra stuffed with my underwear. Pleased by my creation, I sent the picture to two of my friends (actually the only two that I know read this blog >.>... ). Well... something about one of their phones made it so when she replied "Sweet bewbs" to me, it also went to friend #2.
I didn't think anything of it and the two of them got very confused at who these odd people talking to them were. I didn't think that the odd person who had texted could have been the same person? I dunno... I didn't think about it...
So they figure it out and I feel silly, punishment pending, I may end up feeling sillier...
Well I don't figure out about this until after I had taken a good two hour long nap with Travis after having all sorts of important conversation with him about needs vs. wants and expectations and things like that. So I've gotten this two hour nap, and I'm not tired anymore... at like 9pm...
So here I am... At nearly four in the morning... Texting a person... Listening to Lonely Island on my sexy party playlist... Wearing hooker-red lipstick and Pac-Man pajamas... I have to be up in around four hours... to do things... and stuff... but I'm still not tired.
I can't find the shirt/dress/shredded piece of fabric that I want for the same weekend I'm getting some sort of purple punishment, which sounds worse than regular punishment when I think of it...
Now I'm trying to decide if staying up and filling myself with caffeine would be a good idea or if I should try and get the sleep that I can... I'm leaning toward all-nighter just to see if I can in these optimal circumstances...
Go Go Gadget Television!!!
~Naomi Marie

How could anyone ever tell you, you were anything less than beautiful?

So around a week ago I lost track of some things. I started relying on people I care for to keep me afloat. My moods started to go downhill and I got more and more vulnerable and eventually something dangerously close to depressed. Just earlier today I was sitting around, half demanding that Travis pay attention to me because I 'needed' it. I knew that I was being unreasonable, I even told him that I was being unreasonable, and he tried so hard to be affectionate. It helped a little. I talked with a boy via text for a few minutes. It helped for a little while. Finally I got fed up with my own moods.
I have this fear of having people help me. Eventually I think that I'll wear on them and start being more work than I'm worth. I *really* don't like being a "downer". I was being one though, and pretty bad.
So eventually I decide that I'm tired of being tired.
I go down into my walk in closet, which doubles as my altar room, and I light some candles that my wonderful Travis got me for Valentines' Day to take to an event I'm looking forward to. I was planning on lighting them on my own to sort of charge them, anyway. So why not now?
So I light some incense (that was also a gift), use that to light the candles and then wait for the full stick of incense to burn out in my own closed little room. I sang to myself a little. I laid down. I thought of loved ones. I poured some of the river water I saved from last September into a wineglass from my priestess class and used it to play the glass like a singing bowl. I did a few of the things I learned in my class to balance myself and things. Somehow at the end of all of this I felt a million times better. I had always chalked my moods up to my bipolar and usually had to experience a sort of endorphin high to kick-start my upward swing. This time though... I did it on my own.
I'm feeling pretty awesome and it kinda seems like it'll last too... If not... There's more candle.
I think it might be early (for me) bedtime...
~Naomi

Reasons why you need to be specific with me:

First reason: I am a morally objectionable pessimistic narcissist.
Do you really need another one?

So it has come to my attention (through a conversation I had a few days ago) that my ideas on what is acceptable and unacceptable are *very* strange when it comes to what I've heard are the "Social Norms".
For instance: I don't consider sleeping in someone's bed with them anything terribly intimate. Now people can find ways to *make* it intimate, but for the most part if there is nothing going on between the two of them along the lines of unrequited love/lust then you aren't breaking any rules. Apparently I need to function on a different level than my own. I need to function on everyone elses' unspoken and unexplained comfort level... because to them, their lines are obvious.

Can I say that I am blind enough times for them to believe it?

I consider remembering someone's name as something unimportant until I've spoken to them one on one more than three times with some depth and know their partner/some of their friends. Even then, it's not needed.
I consider any pictures I have of myself in something I've worn in public in exactly the same way, essentially public access. (And to the dismay of some of my male friends, that isn't all of them.)
I consider my partner lying about having feelings for someone else as a worse offense than having sex with someone I know he has feelings for before he asks for my permission. I consider neither of these an offense worth breaking up with him for, so long as he's taken health precautions.
What in the seven hells makes you think that I'll automatically know what your rules are before you've told me? This is doubled when it's about something I consider completely innocent.
I'm a little touchy with this. I already wrote about Mr.I'm-Not-Going-To-Tell-You-The-Real-Rules, I don't need vague "You should have known" messages... GAHHH!
The worst part is that I'm on fairly good terms with the person who pissed me off with all of this. She didn't do any of these things specifically to piss me off. The only person I can blame for all of this is society I guess...

I come from a world where what I see as worship and devotion is considered base and vulgar by a good percentage of the population. Please don't assume my rules and limits are yours.

I just stopped typing to look at a dirty picture on my phone, and while it made me smile, the picture he took of his face later that day was what made me blush.

Yeah... I'm not normal... but I'm beautiful and amazing and I would do anything for the people I love... If knowing how amazing I can be is narcissism, then I'm perfectly happy being a narcissist...

A beautiful embodied narcissist.
~Naomi Marie

And a song someone sings...

So Travis has gotten himself sick.
I'm learning that it really doesn't take much, but this time I have some lemon juice and honey to help fight it off for him. This is sort of an unusually calm post for me, I think. I just came upstairs from laying down next to him, petting his hair until he drifted off to sleep. I had successfully forgotten how happy it makes me to cradle someone until they drift to sleep. My hormones are doing a number on me again as I remember holding Anthony as a tiny baby and how it felt to fall asleep with him laying on my chest. I was exhausted and hungry and at least a little stressed, but somehow laying there, I was perfectly at peace. Even holding some of the babies I had bonded with less than him I relaxed in a way I didn't really understand. It kills me to be as anti-breeding as I am. I know logically that I'm in no way prepared for the responsibility. I know how much I enjoy the freedom I have in my current life. I know that when everything is said and done, I couldn't have Travis' kid. Not because of a physical problem, although the genetic issues would more than likely come up, but because he's even less ready than I am.
I feel so stupid writing all of this out.
I'm never going to be ready with someone who I feel is ready as well... I know too much about babies to ever think that I'm ready for that responsibility.
Murfle...
I think I should really just go to bed before I rethink this whole post and just close the window instead of posting it. But that's the point of a blog/journal right? To get those silly and crazy thoughts out of my head while I still can...
Someday, I'm going to have someone I don't want to read this find this post and it will bite me in the ass. Until then though, there are maybe three people who know that it exists?
Life was easier when I could solve it with mutilation... that is all...
Naomi Marie...

Emotional

So... I'm a fairly morbid person. My humor, my general mentality, even aspects of my wardrobe are rather morbid. Oddly enough though, I hadn't thought about death much recently (not as it has to do with myself at least). Tonight/this morning though, I've seen a few posts on mortality and friends of friends who have died. It got me thinking about what would happen to the people I care about if I were to just, all of the sudden get in a car crash and not walk away from it. How would they find out? Would they find out? Would it kill them as much as knowing I would no longer see them would kill me emotionally?
I started thinking about the people I have met recently and very quickly come to love. My whole world would stop spinning if I lost them... How could I ever have children if the thought of being away from the people I care about kills me so much already?
My hormones are driving me crazy, and my mind is only making it worse. I keep trying to convince myself that I mean less to people than they tell me I do. As if, somehow, I could prepare myself for the possibility that they really don't care for me that much at all. I find myself fighting my tendency to lie about my level of attachment to people in the same way. At least that I have an explanation for, at least part of, why I do that.
So I was 17. Yeah it's not like that was 10 years ago or anything (only half of that), but I was a different person then. I had just had someone I was (and am still) uselessly and hopelessly in love with break up with me. Even then he used a line like: "I'm not the sort of guy you're looking for" to do it. So long story short, I was in a bit of pain, reeling from it in fact, and this older man came from, essentially, out of nowhere. Granted the reason I really noticed him was because he goaded on my recent ex's very drunk, very low self-esteemed dinner date, but I noticed him all the same. He noticed me back even.
We ended up getting in contact, talked a bit online, and then finally hung out in person. I enjoyed the witty conversation, and we had similar taste in music and entertainment, I was having a good time. We ended up making any excuse we could to spend time together, and because when I make a decision that I'm going somewhere, I go there. Well I went there. I didn't find out until after this that I wasn't actually allowed to "go there" by rules of his ladies. Well I'm 17 and in love and already feeling a little guilty about having broken rules, not to mention completely terrified of his wife and girlfriend. So do I come clean and tell them that I didn't know what I was doing was wrong? Of course not! I have it in my head that I need to show some sort of loyalty to him and not disappoint him. If I tell the truth, I lose what I wanted in the first place. End of story. Well this leads to all sorts of lying and crying and scary situations. Once all is over and done with, I'm 18 years old and the idea of poly means having to hide my emotional and physical involvement with someone I care about in case they're either lying or there's some sort of underlying insecurity there. No hand holding, no public affection, no cuddling, no lingering glances. I became a second class citizen, living in fear of my partner's honesty, or lack thereof.
That's not normal, or healthy, or anything that I've learned actual caring relationships to be. If only I could convince myself.
Really though, I've started to, and I'm not sure how to feel about it.
Sorry that this post hasn't been funny in the least, or really all that entertaining, but I've sort of been needing to get all of that out. I have a lot of things to grow in, but I'm really lucky to have some of the people I do supporting me <3 I'm really lucky...
Naomi Marie

I said REJOICE!!!

Oh Gods it's that day with the stuff already >.<
Clothing is in the washer, making noises. The boy is in bed... making sleepy noises. My boots are on the floor, waiting to be cleaned. Overall things aren't off to a bad start... ya know... other than the fact that I should really be asleep... Weirdddd...
Alright... Webcomics... I've been reading them. I will read them more.
Finally caught up on Girl Genius, literally between these two lines.
Quick gripes:
I am tired of people whining about relationships and then continuing to pseudo-stalk their exes. If seeing that person causes you enough pain that you need to talk to me about it, stop going out of your way to see them. Is that so hard? Nevermind... >.>... I know it is...
Hopefully I rise to the occasion this weekend, I have a chance to hang out with a small group of some of my favorite people, which includes Travis/Gandhi my boything, in a place that I know very little about. With it being such a small group, there are no people who I find at all annoying... which is fantastic... In fact, while I don't know all of them fantastically well, I like everyone a lot.
Shit is going down >.>.. and I am *not* going to deal with the downers I've been giving so much of my time to the last few days... At least I have a few awesome people too...
Yeah this doesn't make any sense to me either,

Naomi Marie

I wander out where you can't see...

Slipknot and the rain... I have a strange happy place I've noticed...
So plans...
I finally got off my ass and just called Ms.Fantastic who has much better integrity than I do (No sarcasm, She seriously does >.<)... and she came up with a happy medium. It was one of those situations that I felt a little silly about not thinking of earlier... Yay Holly!
So there will be storming a city *and* a birthday party with awesome peoples... Just so long as Ms.Drunky Whiny can't hold her liquor doesn't show up... I still have a bit of a weird feeling about the birthday party, but I honestly enjoy so few parties, it might just be an ingrained response.
I'm a teeny bit sleepy... but I REALLY want to keep reading Girl Genius o.o I'll catch up eventually!!!
*dies a little*
Naomi Marie

Come on baby let me see what you're hiding underneath...

I messed up in my plans o.o
So it all started New Year's Eve when we were spending time at a friend's house for a party. Jenny and Tiffy (the house friends) are excellent hosts of all sorts of parties and things usually end up small and pleasant while staying completely entertaining. Well a birthday party was planned for Jenny for this coming weekend and the first thing I did, right when the page was made after the party, was say I'd be there and then promptly forget that I did.
Flash forward to this Sunday. I was sitting on my bed and playing with my phone when the greatest idea came to me. Travis has this weekend off, which he so rarely does, and I've been wanting to go with him and Holly to Portland for a while just because everything is just slightly more fun when Travis and Holly are around each other. Good chemistry or something. So I text the people that need to be texted and my plan of a day-trip to storm Portland turned into a potential weekend of fun storming of a city with the help of some inhabitants who are also amazingly entertaining and fantastic to be around.
So this morning I'm waiting for a for sure yes or no about being able to be there for the weekend from Holly, and I noticed a post in an event. The event, surprise surprise, ended up being the birthday party this weekend. Now Jenny is just all sorts of entertaining and kind and the sort of friend who would shoot a bitch for you, but o.o I made plans... and and and... Portland... and Travis has so few weekends free o.o and stuffff! I know she'd be bummed if we tell her that we can't make it, especially if I take Holly with me... and I would be... because she's an important factor in this whole trip... and more than anything else, Travis just sort of perks up around her... o.o
Why do *I* end up with the moral dilemmas that involve feelings rather than taboos? o.o *stomps feet* Can I just be a spoiled brat and see her on Thursday and give her hugs and tell her she's awesome for her birthday and then go south? o.o Please?
Welp... gotta see if I can get texts out of Holly, she's sitting on babies and eating pigs last I checked and I still haven't told her about the conflict o.o
Give me strength sexy musics!!!
Naomi Marie

Ohhhh.... You touch my tra~la~la

So I bedazzled my fingernails. It's distracting.
I've been slacking off a little bit with my posts, and if I'm going to update this at least once a week I need to keep it up in these early weeks.
I finished Thief of Time and have nearly finished The Last Continent (both by Terry Pratchett). Life has been a bit of an interesting roller-coaster recently. I've had a bit of trouble with my family, who (whom?) I live with. It was pointed out that I am almost destructively submissive in matters that affect me. Granted, the person who pointed this out has mostly seen my submissive side because he's a touch intimidating, but I had never thought of the way I just sort of let things happen to me because it wasn't one of those few things that I refuse to accept. I don't let people hurt the ones I care about when they don't deserve it. That's really it...
I had been talking about how amazing it was to just sit by myself for hours and read, and how I very rarely get a chance to do that at my house because people seem to think that reading a book, or on the computer (in some cases wearing headphones to listen to music without bothering them), or holding a conversation via text means that I'm fair game to ask questions or hold an un-related conversation with. I mentioned that it annoyed me, but I didn't *need* to read all of the time. When I insist that I want my time then they'd get bent out of shape and start yelling. Yeahhh... I feel stupid, but that didn't occur to me as something unusual or unfair. That was just how things worked. I was in the living-room and that means that my time belongs to the collective.
The point was kind of driven home when I mentioned needing to drink water, he told me that he had some in his bag and motioned back at it. I took the water bottle out and looked at it like it was the most terrifying puzzle I had ever seen. I knew that I didn't need to ask if I could have any, his telling me that he had it was his way of giving me permission, and if I asked him for it, he would look at me like I was asking permission to breathe. I could *literally* only force myself to open the top before I broke down and, while explaining that I knew it was weird, I *needed* to ask him if I could have some or else I wouldn't feel right drinking any. I shit you (whoever you are) not; I was trying so hard to do it anyway that I teared up. When did I start acting like an abuse victim? My parents never hit me for taking something without getting specific permission. Hell, other than Church, they've never been terribly cruel about anything.
That ride home was... an eye-opener, to say the least... and I'm still really embarrassed.
There are other things... but I've been reading Girl Genius (the online comic) recently and it has me a little addicted. As I type it is in a tab right next to the one this blog post is on, and it is all I can do to give this little blurb a proper ending.
Yeahhhh... Fuck it...
Waking up next to someone you love is great isn't it? Waking up and being someone you love is even better...
~Naomi

And you call yourself a pirate...

Wow... Words...
I know they exist... but I have no proof >.>...
I apparently haven't had enough coffee yet... I will rectify this now... I would say "Brb" but you won't have known that I've left the computer and gone to feed myself heated roasted bean juice, not to be confused with the regular kind of bean juice that doesn't have caffeine, but does go well with cereal for those of us who can't process the stuff that comes out of a cow...
Alright, I'm back! But you knew that didn't you? ^.~
So it's Monday, and somehow Saturday night seems like it should have been a week instead of a single night... Gods...
So my feet are bruised, my mind is boggled, memories are clouded, and somehow through it all I'm still processing the fact that I managed to get stopped mid make-out with my Captain (who also happens to be an attractive female) at a pirate event, by a pirate... Mind=Blown
So we have learned a few things: Badger fights are not to be had with rabid dogs, even if they happen to be very attractive women. Denial or no, Holly's kidney is in danger. Last but not least, men are best when objectified and giving out back-rubs in next to nothing.
I hope you've learned something here.

I'm floating through your galaxy...

I have an unusual attraction to the music from the Lion King movies... If I get a chance to be alone in the house today I'll be blasting "One of Us" from the second movie's soundtrack as loud as my tiny little laptop speakers will allow and pretending to sing along at the top of my lungs. It sounds like therapy...
Having the ability/tendency to look deeper into my intentions/dreams has led to a lot of interesting situations in my life. Like I had a dream about a dear ex-boyfriend of mine where I was visiting him at some point and he knew I was there, but didn't pay much attention to me and I kept trying over and over to get his attention. Now if that isn't an obvious hint to my sub-conscious then I don't know what is. It baffles the mind that some people could be confused by a message like that. I have a deep-rooted fear of being taken for granted and overlooked by my loved ones. Well that was easy...
I bit the bullet and finished "The Black Prism" last night. It was, of course, a fantastic book with an entertaining world that I'm excited to read more about. I think my fear of finishing series has everything to do with knowing how much I'll miss that world. Even when the characters live to the end of the book, it's like they've died anyway. A short time of mourning is a given when I've finished a good series. Thankfully, I'm learning, it isn't as bad when I've just finished one of the books and the next hasn't come out yet. Now onward in a mostly different direction, Terry Pratchett's Thief of Time. Just because I can't seem to read the Discworld books in sequence...

Hehe... Merkins...

So I have a dilemma... that I have recently (minutes ago) figured out that I don't actually want anyone to give me advice on. Now I want to ask people for advice, but I don't want them to tell me what I don't want to hear. I can sort of appreciate the people who come to me asking for advice and then don't like that I give it to them now. Granted, I figured out that I didn't actually want it fairly quickly after thinking to ask for it, but that doesn't mean everyone will.
So I have this ex...
We're still on fairly good terms, but he tends to fall off of the face of the planet more easily than I do. At least when I fall off of the planet I generally still reply to the things that people send me, especially people I care about. Yeahhh... not so much.
So, as you may imagine, I don't see him very often. Like with every other love I've had, I still love him just as deeply as before. I can't help myself. But when he made mention of maybe hanging out at some point, I, for the first time in nearly 6 years, didn't just hop up to run to him. Instead I got a little annoyed that he took so long to talk to me and then started to weigh whether it was worth the travel or not.
That's pretty big for me.
Now I still really really want to see him, but I'm not sure if I can just drop what I'm doing just to hang out with him. I'm not getting sex out of this deal, and I'm not likely to get much affection or deep conversation. Why would he invite *me* this time? It's not like him to show any interest in me other than when whoever he's been sleeping with either isn't around or has left for good.
Would this visit be healing for me and worth the fuel it takes to get to where we'd be meeting or would it just be a disappointment as things surrounding him have been recently? Maybe I do actually want advice o.o


Weirddddd.....

Naomi Marie

I can feel your heart beating under my skin...

Mmm... creepy...

So I've recently been reading a book called The Black Prism by Brent Weeks. I had previously read trilogy by him that had been suggested by a delightful lady at Half Price Books and was floored by how much I enjoyed it. To be honest I went through a bit of a low after I finished reading all three (in just over a week) because I got rather attached to the characters and world they lived in. A little part of me was sad when I found out that this new book was set in a totally different world that had nothing to do with the last series, but, like a good little addict, I started reading anyway.
Like with any other (good) book I've been reading, I start to think in terms of the world that the characters live in. So far with this one, I had been so busy doing other things (blogging being one of those things) that I hadn't been able to get too immersed in the world. That's no longer the case. Travis' work schedule ended up working out so that he could only manage to get two hours of sleep after getting home from work and then leaving back to work the next morning. I slept my normal amount of time and vaguely remember him coming home, cuddling him, and then him saying goodbye and going to work before I went back to sleep. I woke up to him digging for his PT clothes. Come to find out he had to do a test today, on two hours of sleep, that he hadn't prepared for. He ended up admitting to me that he had almost fallen asleep on the way to the house to get his clothing. So I get up, get dressed, and take him to work. This gave me around four hours straight to read my book uninterrupted by anything. It may not seem like much, but in my world, that is like a magical unicorn who galloped up with a tray of cheeseburgers and a perfectly made latte' on its back.
The sexual innuendo unicorns have been associated with aside, I'm pretty well wrapped up in my new book, but I find myself getting closer and closer to the end and it worries me. What will become of me when this book is over? Of course my life will go on, but to what end? Can I really survive losing another wonderfully real world?
So I'm being overly dramatic. I can accept that.
Now the real reason I decided to blog tonight: dramatic re-enactments.
I had finished watching Big Bang Theory with my family. My mom asked adorable questions that will inevitably prepare me for childcare and their limited understanding of the world at large and commentary that hasn't been completely spelled out for them, as usual. A good time was had by all. Now the tactical error was made when she was left with the remote afterward.
We had recently, as a family, endeavored to teach her how to use the "On Demand" feature of our digital cable, and to our (and her) delight, she figured it out! Cue the incessant viewing of reality TV, The Biggest Loser, and horribly cliche' romance movies.
All of these things have been accepted as yet another one of her quirky tendencies. Like how she insists on laughing at jokes she doesn't actually understand if we're all laughing first, or asks us information about the movie that none of us have seen before and hasn't been given by the director yet. Her most recent source of child-like delight is apparently the show "I Shouldn't be Alive". This particular program is made up of half commentary about the situation by the actual survivors and half dramatic re-enactments.
In the most recent episode (that I'm currently blocking out with the judicious use of headphones and suggestive music) there was a horrible situation that people shouldn't have lived through (How new and exciting!). As I went to get more sweet sweet caffeine, I had to take my headphones off. I did this just in time to hear one of the survivors talk about how scary the situation was in a tone that was vaguely familiar to me. It was the tone that "That one annoying bitch" uses. You know, that one annoying bitch that panics in an emergency situation and pisses off all of the other survivors, but since the situation is so bad they can't actually kill her until they find themselves in need of an emergency food supply. I had to wonder at this point. Did she know that she was just being an irritant? Does a bad situation make those grating personality types more bearable? Would anyone have held it against her if they ended her life and just claimed that she had fallen out of the aircraft when it was crashing? Would my death be somehow easier to bear if I knew I got to gut her first?
These are important questions... and I wish I had someone to answer them.

My heart with music plays...

I touched on this before in my first post on this blog. I touch on this somewhat consistently every day I live. It is a simple concept, I promise. I'm not sure if I'm going to soften any blows or pull any punches in this post. What I do know is that I'm going to start with a mostly unfiltered comment I sent to one of my male friends just earlier today.

"Why do practically un-datable women go on and on about how unhappy they are about being single but then go and bitch about the men who do show interest in them, ripping their traits into tiny little angry shreds or just pretend that those guys are below them. IF YOU WANT A DATE SO FUCKING BADLY STOP BEING AN EVIL PICKY BITCH!!! >.>... Negativity and desperation will bring similar back to itself, You deserve that smarmy dirty bastard that's trying to get in your pants, because your vagina is the best part you have attached, and that's only because it can't talk! "

Now I'm not suggesting that people lower their standards just to get attention from the opposite sex, and I'm only specifically mentioning women because, in my opinion, it is much more difficult to be a man in the dating world with the current social climates. Some women still expect for men to open doors and pull out seats for them, while holding a job, paying for everything, and treating them like equals. The trouble with this particular standard is that it contradicts itself. If you are trying to be thought of as an equal, then don't demand they do things you aren't doing/willing to do for them as well. Okay so that was off subject.
Back to my rant: 

IF YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT BEING SINGLE ALL OF THE TIME, *DO NOT* COMPLAIN ABOUT THE MEN WHO ACTUALLY PAY ATTENTION TO YOU!

I am sick and tired of ungrateful, negative women who won't decide if they're desperate for companionship, or just looking for sympathy about any status they happen to be. So you had a bad date, I've had a few myself. One even ended in me having such a bad headache that I wasn't sure I could drive home afterward, but he was so busy pouting that I wouldn't have sex with him that *his roommate* was the one who helped me find water to take the Tylenol that she provided and talked to me until the migraine (that I have maybe once a year) quieted down enough so I could drive home. He just pouted the whole time. I didn't make a passive aggressive status message to slam him, I wrote a private message to explain, in no uncertain terms, why I wasn't willing to go on another date with him. I complained to a few friends after the message was posted and that was that.
I may not be the best person to talk about being single. I haven't been single for more than a few weeks in *years*, but that doesn't change the fact that some men will muster up the courage to approach me and at least ask what my status is, or be friendly in case they might have a chance. Sometimes this behavior can come across as slimy. Other times it can be downright uncomfortable, but *I don't complain about the attention* on public forums that I had been complaining about a total lack of attention the day before.

Face it girls. It isn't that there aren't nice men out there; It's that you are too blind to find and appreciate them for who they are.

Do you ever wonder?

So this post, like the last one, won't likely be helpful to anyone but me. On top of that, it's only helpful to me because I enjoy typing and getting thoughts out into writing... So essentially, this post is about as useful as any other blog you're likely to read.
Recently, I've been sort of up and down when it comes to my general emotional status. Having so much attention from so many people I care for has gotten me a little spoiled. I didn't get a New Years kiss in person, but I got it via text. Is it bad to say that I'm totally fine with just that considering who it came from? I don't care... it was affection enough.
The holidays, which usually only bring me stress and people I'd rather not spend time with, brought time with people I care about, more cookies than I know what to do with, and a bit of relaxation time... Now there were points where I made the mistake of agreeing to spend time with family, but even while I was there, I had the ability to contact people who gave me a sort of lifeline back to the world of the "Non-Fundamentalist Christians" I live in typically...
It's strange enough being a closet pagan (literally, my altar is in my walk in closet) but when I'm surrounded by people who have no idea about my beliefs and are able to talk about theirs, it leaves me in sort of a difficult position. It doesn't help that my boy, Travis, was there as well, and the rest of my family doesn't know about my other lifestyle choices. Not talking about the other important people in my life is difficult and feels like lying.
Long story short, Christmas was awkward, but New Years Eve/New Years Day was the exact opposite.
Well there were awkward moments... like ending up in nothing but my bra and underwear and attempting to keep those two pieces on while everyone else in the room wants them gone. Even then, that was only awkward because the spare underwear I had in my bag that I put on so I wouldn't end up in just a bra were really unattractive...
I'm not really sure what more to say. I've got a fantastic group of friends who really care about me, more love than I know what to do with, and sort of an overall warm feeling about life. I'm not sure how this next year is going to go, but I think, if I can manage to fight my slow spiral into being horribly spoiled, it will be pretty fantastic...
So much love <3