Emotional

So... I'm a fairly morbid person. My humor, my general mentality, even aspects of my wardrobe are rather morbid. Oddly enough though, I hadn't thought about death much recently (not as it has to do with myself at least). Tonight/this morning though, I've seen a few posts on mortality and friends of friends who have died. It got me thinking about what would happen to the people I care about if I were to just, all of the sudden get in a car crash and not walk away from it. How would they find out? Would they find out? Would it kill them as much as knowing I would no longer see them would kill me emotionally?
I started thinking about the people I have met recently and very quickly come to love. My whole world would stop spinning if I lost them... How could I ever have children if the thought of being away from the people I care about kills me so much already?
My hormones are driving me crazy, and my mind is only making it worse. I keep trying to convince myself that I mean less to people than they tell me I do. As if, somehow, I could prepare myself for the possibility that they really don't care for me that much at all. I find myself fighting my tendency to lie about my level of attachment to people in the same way. At least that I have an explanation for, at least part of, why I do that.
So I was 17. Yeah it's not like that was 10 years ago or anything (only half of that), but I was a different person then. I had just had someone I was (and am still) uselessly and hopelessly in love with break up with me. Even then he used a line like: "I'm not the sort of guy you're looking for" to do it. So long story short, I was in a bit of pain, reeling from it in fact, and this older man came from, essentially, out of nowhere. Granted the reason I really noticed him was because he goaded on my recent ex's very drunk, very low self-esteemed dinner date, but I noticed him all the same. He noticed me back even.
We ended up getting in contact, talked a bit online, and then finally hung out in person. I enjoyed the witty conversation, and we had similar taste in music and entertainment, I was having a good time. We ended up making any excuse we could to spend time together, and because when I make a decision that I'm going somewhere, I go there. Well I went there. I didn't find out until after this that I wasn't actually allowed to "go there" by rules of his ladies. Well I'm 17 and in love and already feeling a little guilty about having broken rules, not to mention completely terrified of his wife and girlfriend. So do I come clean and tell them that I didn't know what I was doing was wrong? Of course not! I have it in my head that I need to show some sort of loyalty to him and not disappoint him. If I tell the truth, I lose what I wanted in the first place. End of story. Well this leads to all sorts of lying and crying and scary situations. Once all is over and done with, I'm 18 years old and the idea of poly means having to hide my emotional and physical involvement with someone I care about in case they're either lying or there's some sort of underlying insecurity there. No hand holding, no public affection, no cuddling, no lingering glances. I became a second class citizen, living in fear of my partner's honesty, or lack thereof.
That's not normal, or healthy, or anything that I've learned actual caring relationships to be. If only I could convince myself.
Really though, I've started to, and I'm not sure how to feel about it.
Sorry that this post hasn't been funny in the least, or really all that entertaining, but I've sort of been needing to get all of that out. I have a lot of things to grow in, but I'm really lucky to have some of the people I do supporting me <3 I'm really lucky...
Naomi Marie