So around a week ago I lost track of some things. I started relying on people I care for to keep me afloat. My moods started to go downhill and I got more and more vulnerable and eventually something dangerously close to depressed. Just earlier today I was sitting around, half demanding that Travis pay attention to me because I 'needed' it. I knew that I was being unreasonable, I even told him that I was being unreasonable, and he tried so hard to be affectionate. It helped a little. I talked with a boy via text for a few minutes. It helped for a little while. Finally I got fed up with my own moods.
I have this fear of having people help me. Eventually I think that I'll wear on them and start being more work than I'm worth. I *really* don't like being a "downer". I was being one though, and pretty bad.
So eventually I decide that I'm tired of being tired.
I go down into my walk in closet, which doubles as my altar room, and I light some candles that my wonderful Travis got me for Valentines' Day to take to an event I'm looking forward to. I was planning on lighting them on my own to sort of charge them, anyway. So why not now?
So I light some incense (that was also a gift), use that to light the candles and then wait for the full stick of incense to burn out in my own closed little room. I sang to myself a little. I laid down. I thought of loved ones. I poured some of the river water I saved from last September into a wineglass from my priestess class and used it to play the glass like a singing bowl. I did a few of the things I learned in my class to balance myself and things. Somehow at the end of all of this I felt a million times better. I had always chalked my moods up to my bipolar and usually had to experience a sort of endorphin high to kick-start my upward swing. This time though... I did it on my own.
I'm feeling pretty awesome and it kinda seems like it'll last too... If not... There's more candle.
I think it might be early (for me) bedtime...
~Naomi
Nudity!
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